“It’s not how old you are, but how you are old” – Jules Renard

Fear around getting older seems to form an undercurrent in many people’s lives, especially as our birthdays take us into a new decade, turning 30, 40 and so on. Many of these fears or anxieties are based on cultural prejudices around ageing as well as its association with a process of physical and mental decline. Since Western cultures celebrate youth and beauty, fears also relate to being cast aside or unseen rather than appreciated for the experience and knowledge gained over the years.

According to Richard Rohr, a Franciscan priest and writer on spirituality, for those of us blessed to live long enough, our lives can be divided into 2 distinct phases or tasks. The first task is to build a strong ‘container’ or identity, whilst the second task is to find the contents this container was meant to hold. These phases tend to be chronological, yet needn’t be, nor are they guaranteed. Some younger people may have had experiences which led them to experience the second phase of life early, whilst some older people never achieve second half of life awareness. Our culture is very much focused on the first half of life, involving the successful establishment of an identity, a home, relationships, security and a career. What we often don’t appreciate in this process, however, is that losing, failing and suffering are part of the human experience, and it’s ‘falling down’ that leads to growth and second half of life experiences.

The first phase of life is very important as it involves the development of an ego structure and sense of security through the boundaries created by family and society, our laws and traditions. In this phase of life, we’re trying to answer questions about what makes us significant, how we can support ourselves throughout life and who will accompany us on this journey. In these years, we need appropriate mirroring and realistic positive feedback to help us gain confidence and self-belief. When children are not appropriately mirrored and supported, they spend a lifetime seeking such validation, and need a great deal of inner work and support to create a healthy enough ego structure to function well. Whilst we need structures to keep us safe, ideally such structures can also teach us how to ‘fall’ and how to recover from falling.

This brings us to the second half of life, which some may term and experience as a ‘mid-life crisis’, but which is actually an opportunity to re-examine our lives and answer the question – ‘Who am I aside from my history and the roles I’ve played?’ These roles may have included that of partner, son, sister, friend, parent, as well as our job title, the dissolving of which may lead to panic – ‘Who am I now?’ This leads to a shift from a sense of self derived from the roles we’ve held over the years to greater authenticity. We may experience great loss, such as divorce, children leaving home, career changes and the death of loved ones. In these moments, the projections which we’ve maintained start to be challenged. For instance, the validation attained through a high position or successful career strip away and we must rely on a deeper sense of ourselves for validation. To survive this phase, we need to learn that our value doesn’t depend on external aspects, like a relationship or successful career. Whilst this may at first come as a shock, causing resistance and pain, the transition may be smoother if one is already doing the inner work.

In the second phase of life, this deeper acceptance of oneself, and the inherent disappointments of life, leads to a need for simplicity and peace. Your social circles become smaller and more intimate, and productivity is replaced by a deeper quality to one’s presence and work. We may take on positions or roles which involve guiding or mentoring young people, and we become more contemplative. Erik Erikson called this stage The Generative Phase, where the focus is on giving back to the world what you’ve received rather than acquiring and collecting more goods. In this phase, you are more concerned with serving than being served.

If you were to speak to an older person who has successfully navigated this second phase of life, you’ll notice a silent reassurance which comes from the acceptance of one’s own limitations and imperfections, thus eliminating the need to defend or prove one’s worth. At this stage, you have a greater sense of who you are and the awareness that how someone responds or shows up with you is more about their own fears and inner process, and less about you. This means that both praise and insults don’t touch you so deeply, allowing you the freedom to be less affected by the behaviour of others.

Despite the obvious changes we will experience as we age, the process needn’t be seen as something to be resisted or avoided. Whilst our looks may fade and our capabilities change, we’re invited to experience a deeper and more genuine existence. We begin to take responsibility for finding satisfaction and meaning from our lives and embark on a process of inner growth and healing, with humility and grace.