As we explore the experience of debilitating shame, it is important to acknowledge that delving into this topic may bring up strong emotions. I invite you to approach this subject with kind curiosity.

Understanding Shame as an Appropriate Emotional Response

Shame is classified as a self-conscious emotion, alongside guilt, pride, embarrassment, envy, empathy, and jealousy (Lewis, 1992). We’ve all experienced shame at least once in our lifetime, but it is not an emotion that is openly spoken of, since disclosing shame can be a shameful experience in itself, leaving us feeling vulnerable. It is more common for someone to say to a friend, “I am angry” or “I am sad” rather than “I am ashamed”. Shame can be challenging to recognise and has been called the “sleeper” emotion by shame researcher Helen Lewis because part of the experience of it lies in wanting to hide. When experiencing shame, our urge to hide from others is an attempt to hide from the possibility of being judged or criticised (Sedighimornanii, 2018).

One way of describing shame is as a feeling of being exposed, visible, and examined by a critical other (Middleton-Moz, 1990). Whilst it is an uncomfortable and even painful emotion to experience, there is a reason it has stuck around and is a universal emotion that we all feel. All of the emotions that we experience have been wired into our nervous system because they serve a function in our lives as human beings. The function of shame is to aid us in having productive relationships with other people by helping us recognise the need to follow certain rules and guidelines in order to be part of society. It shows us that we need to acknowledge and be sensitive towards the feelings of others when relating to them. This is referred to as healthy shame. It is the function of healthy shame to teach us valuable lessons that help us to grow, even if it means making us feel uncomfortable so that we become more aware.

“Shame can be a teacher that guides us to be more mindful and respectful of the impact of our actions on others. When harnessed appropriately, it encourages us to foster more meaningful and compassionate relationships.” (Lyon & Rubin, 2023, p.49)

When Shame Becomes Debilitating

While healthy shame helps us maintain social bonds, it can become debilitating when it affects our self-worth. Consider the following questions: Do you often feel like you don’t belong, especially in group settings? Do you often have thoughts about yourself that you are not good enough, that you just can’t get anything right, and that you don’t deserve to be happy? Are you overly self-conscious when carrying out specific tasks, afraid that you will make a mistake or get things wrong? Do you tend to people-please at the expense of your own well-being? If you’ve answered yes to all or most of these questions, then it is likely that you may be experiencing the impact of debilitating shame.

Debilitating shame is an overwhelming form of shame that is characterised by persistent feelings of worthlessness, self-loathing, and self-criticism. Understanding how debilitating shame originates can help us address it more effectively.

Shame-Proneness in Adults

If we look at how shame develops in our lives over time, it starts in childhood with our very first experiences of relating to people, mainly our primary caregivers.

According to John Bowlby’s attachment theory (1983), the very first bond we make with our parents is essential to our survival, and all children have an innate drive to seek a relationship with a protective adult. This primary bond with an adult develops into an internal working model of attachment and includes mental representations, beliefs, and expectations that children develop about the self, others, and the relationship between self and others.

If a child is ridiculed, belittled, or made to feel small and insignificant by their primary attachment figure, that is later internalised and it becomes the way they perceive themselves in relation to others as adults. A growing body of research suggests a link between childhood trauma and shame-proneness in adults. The effects of childhood trauma, whether of a sexual, physical or emotional nature, may leave the child feeling inferior and small. Debilitating shame is the result of internalising feelings of being ‘lesser than’, unworthy, and not good enough. This creates a chronic feeling of worthlessness that is carried into adulthood and can be very challenging to live with, especially if there is a lack of awareness that it may be the root cause of a person’s suffering.

Awareness and Self-Compassion as an Antidote to Shame

Recognising and addressing debilitating shame is crucial because it often lies at the core of other conditions such as anxiety, addiction, perfectionism, low self-confidence and co-dependency. The first step towards healing is acknowledging that debilitating shame might be the underlying cause of these conditions. This would involve becoming familiar with how we experience shame physically in our body, and mentally in our thoughts (often showing up as the inner critic). Understanding what may be triggering it allows us to label our experience and navigate our way through it.

“Empathy is a hostile environment for shame” (Brene Brown, 2007, p.32)

Developing empathy and self-compassion involves becoming aware of the parts of ourselves that feel small and flawed and treating these parts with kindness and understanding. Instead of letting shame control our lives in hiding, we can overcome it by embracing our vulnerabilities with compassion. Self-compassion allows us to acknowledge our imperfections without harsh judgment, fostering a sense of worthiness and belonging.

By practicing self-compassion, we create a supportive inner environment where healing and growth can take place. This shift in perspective can transform debilitating shame into a powerful ally for personal development and a more fulfilling life.

References

1. Bowlby, J. (1983). Attachment and loss: Retrospect and prospect. Annual Progress in Child Psychiatry & Child Development, 29–47.
2. Brown, B. (2007). I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Telling the truth about perfectionism, inadequacy, and power. Gotham Books.
3. Lewis M. (1992). Shame: The exposed self. New York, NY: Free Press.
4. Lyon, B., & Rubin, S. (2023). Embracing shame: How to stop resisting shame and turn it into a powerful ally. Sounds True.
5. Middleton-Moz, J. (1990). Shame and guilt: Masters of disguise. Health Communications.
6. Sedighimornanii, N. (2018). Shame and its Features: Understandings of Shame. European Journal of Social Sciences Studies, 3(3) 75-107.