Most of us have experienced that awful, sinking feeling when realising we’ve messed up, particularly if we’ve hurt someone or behaved in a way which does not align with how we see ourselves. This initial shock may be followed by a mix of feelings, including shame, self-criticism, anxiety, regret and guilt. Whilst making mistakes is a universal human experience, we all differ in terms of our ability to forgive ourselves and move on from mistakes. These differences often stem from our personality, the examples set by influential adults during our upbringing, and the ways significant people in our early lives responded to our missteps or wrongdoings.
For those of you who find practicing self-forgiveness particularly challenging, you’ll be happy to know that this is a skill which can be learned and refined over time. Below you’ll find some guidance on the process involved in self-forgiveness, helping you let go and move on quicker:
- Understand what you’re feeling
Being able to label whatever you’re feeling is an important first step in processing painful or unsettling emotions following a mistake. Are you feeling angry, sad, confused, guilty or ashamed? Also useful is understanding the factors which may be causing you to ruminate or beat yourself up for a mistake. Are you a people-pleaser? When you were growing up, were you made to feel that making a mistake was unacceptable? Do you have low self-worth? Such self-awareness can be an important step in understanding your struggles with self-forgiveness. As this step requires a degree of self-awareness and self-reflection, speaking to someone who knows you well, and whom you trust, can be useful. Seeking the support of a therapist may also be wise, since therapy can be a safe space from which to explore painful and confusing emotions.
- Accept responsibility
After making a mistake, you may be tempted to make excuses or rationalise your behaviour, since taking responsibility may bring up uncomfortable feelings, such as guilt or shame. An important part of the forgiveness process is to acknowledge what you did wrong. For instance, if you hurt someone with your words, acknowledge that what you said may have been insensitive or unfair, and coming from a place or anger, hurt or jealousy. This can feel very shameful and scary, so seeking the support of a friend or family member is recommended.
- Treat yourself with compassion
We can be incredibly hard on ourselves when we slip up, replaying the mistake and criticising ourselves long after it’s over. Yet that harshness rarely helps us grow. A kinder approach is to imagine someone you care about, whether it be a close friend or family member, coming to you with the very same mistake. Notice the compassion, patience, and understanding you’d offer them and then take those same words and apply them to yourself. I find it useful to repeat gently to myself, ‘I’m only human; I cannot be perfect; We all make mistakes’, and other similar phrases. Refrain also from making generalisations about yourself based on one experience. For instance, telling yourself you’re a terrible friend because you disappointed someone would be too harsh. Instead, focusing on the fact that your behaviour caused your friend disappointment reminds you that while you were responsible, this is something that can be worked on and doesn’t define you as a person.
- Make amends
Making a mistake can leave you feeling deep guilt and remorse, and fearful about the potential consequences of your actions. For instance, if you disappointed someone, how will this impact the relationship? Will this person no longer trust you? It’s natural to worry about such consequences since we’re relational beings and seek to preserve important relationships. Whilst you can’t change what happened, you do have control over what happens afterwards. Approaching the person you hurt or disappointed, acknowledging what happened, and offering an apology, can go a long way in reducing the impact of your mistake and help repair any damage caused.
- Learn from the experience
The fact is, you can’t erase what happened, so you can either wallow in your pain and/or beat yourself up, or you can use the experience as a life lesson. I find that if I remind myself that the pain I experienced due to my error wasn’t in vain due to the lesson learnt, my suffering eases significantly. Your error and what you learnt from it may act as a turning point for how you deal with similar experiences going forward.
It’s important to remember that self-forgiveness can be an emotional and challenging process. However, it does get easier with time and practice, so please be patient with yourself as you work through the above steps and the feelings which accompany them. Over time, you’ll notice that your capacity to forgive yourself, and others, will expand, helping you develop a more compassionate relationship with yourself and the people in your life.
