Having a sense of control is a basic human need, giving us a feeling of stability, safety and predictability. There is healthy control seeking, however, and unhealthy control seeking, the latter often played out in close relationships with a partner, friend or family member. Whilst some controlling behaviours are very direct and obvious, such as prohibiting a partner from going out, having very strict rules, and so on, controlling behaviour may also be very subtle, creeping into the relationship gradually. This subtlety and slow progression mean that it’s often hard for someone to spot they’re being controlled, with it only becoming clear when they’re already very invested in the relationship, therefore making it harder to leave.
Whether you suspect you may be in a controlling relationship or are concerned for a loved one, knowing how to recognise the signs is essential. Here are some common behaviours of a controlling person:
They’re overprotective – Overprotectiveness isn’t a bad thing and is often simply a way that we care for and attempt to keep people we love safe. However, it crosses over to unhealthy when the overprotectiveness becomes controlling. This may look like your partner frequently advising you against certain people, getting upset if you don’t answer their calls or messages straight away or demanding to know where you’ve been and with whom. This unhealthy form of overprotectiveness feels suffocating and communicates a lack of trust – that you can’t take care of yourself, for instance, or that you’ll betray them in some way.
They make decisions for you – They may insist on driving you everywhere, apply for new jobs on your behalf, or buy you new clothes as a means of changing the way you dress. Whatever form it takes, such behaviour reduces your autonomy and can slowly erode self-esteem.
They micromanage you – This may involve taking over small details of your life, such as asking you about conversations you’ve had with friends or family, advising you on how you could do your hair, or dress, buy you food to help manage your weight, and so on.
They isolate you from friends and family – This may be done quite directly, such as asking you to choose between them and friends/family or complaining about how much time you spend with other people. More subtle attempts to isolate you may be to show disinterest when you talk about friends or family members, causing friction at family gatherings or sulking if you make plans to spend time with friends/family. Whatever method is used, the goal is often to strip you of your support network, meaning you’re less likely to leave them, or find the support to stand up to them. This behaviour may also be borne from deep insecurity about one’s worth (i.e. if my partner wants to spend time with other people, this means he loves them more than me, or he finds them more interesting than me’).
They trample over your boundaries – They may continue to do what you’ve asked them not to do, find ways to look through your devices (e.g. read emails, look through phone), ask for your passwords or monitor what you’re doing through home security cameras.
They criticise you – They may make jokes about you in front of colleagues or friends, insult you or regularly point out mistakes. Over time, such behaviour erodes confidence and self-esteem.
They’re jealous or paranoid – A jealous and paranoid partner may be overly focused on your behaviour, interpreting your friendliness as flirtation or inappropriate, despite being completely innocent. They may also resent you doing better than them, feeling betrayed or inferior if you get a promotion or obtain qualifications.
They cause you to doubt yourself – If you confront them over their behaviour, they may downplay or minimise the experience and your feelings. For instance, they may respond to feedback that they’re being critical by saying you’re being overly sensitive. They may even deny saying or doing things, or suggest you seek help, causing you to question or doubt your judgement or sense of reality.
They may play the blame game – Controlling people often find it difficult to take responsibility for their actions, preferring instead to shift the blame onto others. For instance, if you express your discomfort with them invading your privacy, they may say something like, ‘I wouldn’t need to ask for your passwords if you didn’t flirt so much’. This shifts the focus from their controlling behaviour to your behaviour, making you question whether it was your fault they behaved the way they did.
At this point, you may be wondering why people behave in a controlling manner and whether or not they can change. Whilst everyone is different, controlling behaviour is often a sign of anxiety and deep insecurity, as well as a symptom of a mental health condition or personality disorder. For instance, someone with a narcissistic personality style has a strong need for control. Low self-esteem or difficult experiences in childhood, such as abandonment or abuse, may also result in controlling behaviour, with the person developing a strong fear of being abandoned by someone they love. The controlling behaviour is a dysfunctional attempt to keep someone they love from leaving them. Sadly, it often has the opposite effect.
If you suspect that you’re in a controlling relationship, it’s important to know that there is support available. If you have a friend or family member you trust, speak to them about your suspicions. Seeking the support of a professional, such as a Counsellor or Psychotherapist, may also be wise. Therapy can help you identify if you’re in a controlling relationship, provide you with the support to assert and take care of yourself within the relationship or help you make decisions about the future of the relationship.
