Anyone old enough to recall a time before mobile phones, or before social media platforms became such a huge part of how we socialise, probably also recall the time we repaired rather than simply replaced broken or faulty items. Yes, faulty televisions were repaired, torn clothing was sewn or patched up, and we replaced goods only if told they couldn’t be fixed. There are numerous reasons why the mindset of ‘repairing’ changed so drastically to one of ‘disposing of and simply replacing’. However, such a mindset now extends further than material items and has crept into our relationships, with quite significant consequences for us individually and as a society.
Since we spend so much time nowadays communicating through the use of technology, including mobile phones, social media platforms and apps, the quality of our relationships are changing. In many ways, people are much more available and accessible, but the depth of our interactions has changed. Take dating apps, for instance, where the choice of date is based predominantly on looks, ignoring the many other attributes which make up a person. A simple swipe left communicates ‘no thanks, not interested’ without considering that behind the online profile is a real person and not an item on an online shopping site. Swipe right and a connection is very quickly established, with full knowledge that the connection can be discarded just as quickly, allowing one to explore other, ‘better’, options just around the corner.
The disposability of relationships is far more widespread than just the dating scene, however. It extends also to our friendships and more-established romantic relationships, resulting in people being ghosted or relationships being discarded as soon as difficulties or challenges arise. Instant gratification replaces the work and commitment required to maintain a long-term relationship, whether it be friendship or romantic. Of course, not all relationships are meant to take off in the first place, and some need to come to an end, for a variety of reasons. In no way is the expectation that we stay put when we’re deeply unhappy, a partner or friend is abusive or two people are clearly not suited.
How we end relationships is also of significance here, as anyone who’s ever been ghosted could attest to. Ghosting or swiftly replacing one person or relationship with another, can be incredibly damaging. Aside from the initial rejection and shock of the person being left, the not-knowing-why can lead to confusion, damaged self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. Over time, it becomes more difficult to trust, foster genuine intimacy and create a sense of stability and security.
The idea that working through challenges which arise in relationships rather than immediately fleeing is good for us, is not a new one. Clinical Psychologist, Tronick, expanded on Donald Winnicot’s early research on child development, talking about the importance of ‘rupture and repair’ in relationships. When challenges arise in a relationship, this is an opportunity for two people to come together to find a way to repair the rupture, the process of which results in the building of trust and greater stability within the relationship. Such experiences create a sense of security that conflicts and challenges can be faced and resolved, and that one’s relationship can withstand hardship.
As a therapist, I often come into contact with people who find it very difficult to stay present in relationships when conflicts or difficulties arise, opting instead to run away. This is often the result of relationship patterns which are learnt as children, in one’s family of origin. For instance, if expressing needs at home was met with anger or criticism, you would have learned very early on to deny or hide your own needs. If this behaviour is taken into adult relationships, rather than expressing your needs as an adult, you may opt instead to end relationships as soon as problems arise instead of taking the risk of speaking up.
If you recognise yourself in the above, and want to learn to develop stronger, more stable relationships, as opposed to disposable ones, I’d like to offer some guidance on how you can go about this:
Practice empathy – Before taking any action to end a connection or relationship, think about how you’d like to be treated if in the position of the other person. How would you feel if someone just stopped communicating with you, without explanation of any kind? Would you feel hurt, confused or angry? If you wouldn’t like it, choose not to cause pain or harm to another person, whether you care about them or not. Instead, choose the harder, but braver option of honestly and kindly communicating your decision to the other person.
Identify your values – Take some time to reflect on what values are important for you in relationships. For instance, you may value honesty, spending quality time with a partner or clear communication. Share what these values are with important people in your life, making it easier for them to understand you and what behaviour you’d appreciate.
Communicate – When someone has upset you, or you feel your needs are not being met, communicate with the other person rather than withdrawing in anger and disappointment. This would enable the other person to understand better what you need, or what’s important to you, and make the necessary amends.
Balance online and face-to-face time – Prioritise in-person meetings rather than relying on communicating online with friends and family. This helps to develop more meaningful connections and builds stronger bonds.
Go easy on dating apps – Constant scrolling through profiles has been found to be bad for our mental health, causing increased anxiety, low mood and encourage a more superficial mindset around relationships. Put limits on how often you scroll and for how long, replacing this time with healthier pursuits such as exercise, meeting friends or engaging in hobbies.
If this article has made you feel concerned about how you navigate close relationships, it may be wise to seek the support and guidance of a counsellor or psychotherapist, who can help you explore how you can build and maintain healthier and stronger relationships.
