Let’s face it, conflict can feel scary for many of us. There may be something or someone bothering you, but you come up with a myriad of reasons as to why keeping quiet is better than speaking up. Of course, keeping the peace isn’t a bad thing. However, repeatedly avoiding conflict rather than setting boundaries or speaking up about issues which arise in relationships or at work can lead to a build up of anger and resentment, relationship breakdown and reduced wellbeing. So, why are so many people scared of conflict and where do such fears come from? 

Each one of us has our own particular beliefs around conflict, many of which are rooted in our experiences growing up, and how we saw conflict playing out. For instance, were you encouraged to speak up when you were unhappy with something?  Were you listened to, and your needs respected? How did conflict play out when it arose?  Was it explosive and scary or managed respectfully? Such questions form the basis of our individual attitudes towards conflict and how we approach it as adults, in our relationships with family and friends, and in the workplace.

Below I’ll go through a number of factors reasons why people may avoid conflict:

You’re scared that speaking up will be futile 

If your experience in previous relationships, particularly childhood ones, was that you were not given the space to express how you felt, or were ignored or shut down when you did, you may have learnt that speaking up when upset is futile and will just lead to frustration and hurt. You may have even been shamed for expressing your needs or your feelings, teaching you that having needs and standing up for yourself is not okay. 

Conflict feels dangerous

We learn about conflict and its consequences from when we’re young children, watching how our parents and other adults resolved misunderstandings and disputes. If you grew up in a home where you witnessed your parents screaming at one another regularly, or even being physically violent, you learnt that conflict is scary and even dangerous. Likewise, since we’re completely dependent on our parents as young children, if speaking up led to being given the silent treatment or a withdrawal of love, this can also feel dangerous, causing you to shut down and/or hide your feelings from significant others.

Self-doubt 

If your feelings were often minimised growing up, or in significant adult relationships, you may have internalised the message that your feelings are not valid. When something bothers you, or you feel hurt or upset by someone’s behaviour, you may begin to ask yourself questions such as – ‘Is it okay for me to feel this way?’, ‘Am I making a big deal out of nothing?’, ‘Am I being too sensitive?’. As a result, you shut down and refrain from speaking as a way to protect yourself from rejection, shame or ridicule.

You believe disagreement may negatively impact relationships

If you’ve experienced people punishing you for speaking up, maybe giving you the silent treatment, treating you differently or even ending the relationship, speaking up can feel pretty risky. If this has been your experience, relationships can feel fragile, when the reality is that healthy relationships should be able to survive disagreement or open communication.  You may be scared you’ll no longer be liked if you speak up, or even that you’ll disappoint people, which you believe may then adversely impact these relationships. Once again, to avoid being disliked or seen disapprovingly, you remain silent.

At this stage, you may understand better the factors which have led you to avoid conflict as an adult and are now wondering, where do I go from here? Below are some pointers on how you can start to become more comfortable with facing, rather than avoiding conflict:

1. Reflect on the factors which stop you from speaking up or standing up for yourself. Once you understand your underlying beliefs or fears around conflict, you can then challenge them or adopt a more rational attitude towards these. For instance, if you think your relationship will end if you stand up for yourself, you may ask yourself – ‘Is my relationship really so fragile? Will my partner really break up with me if I speak up?’
2. Identify what issue you need to address and then list the benefits of speaking up, and what the risks of remaining quiet are. That may really help you see the importance of addressing rather than avoiding whatever issue has arisen.
3. Remain calm and use ‘I’ statements. For instance, rather than saying ‘You ignore me when I try to talk about how I feel’, try saying, ‘I don’t feel heard when I try to talk to you about my feelings’. This sounds less accusatory and hostile, opening the way for a discussion about how you can both communicate with one another better.
4. Take small, incremental risks. Try addressing issues first with someone who makes you feel safe. This may be a friend, partner, parent or therapist. Having them respond positively and empathically can slowly give you the confidence to address bigger issues with people you feel less safe with. 

During this process of understanding your fear around conflict and making changes, it’s important that you try to be very patient with yourself. It may also be useful to seek the support of a close friend or someone you trust, or a therapist.